Why small talk is hard (for me)
Confessions of a closet introvert.
Frankly, I only like talking with people, socially or professionally, about things that seem potentially valuable to both them and me. Anything less just doesn’t motivate me for automatic engagement, other than listening and trying to discern what we (both of us) might get out of this. (For you astrologers, perhaps that’s because I’m a Capricorn!)
What can be valuable in this conversation could have a context that is quite variable. Could be the roses in the garden, how to train a puppy, how to deal with a board member resisting a major change in the company, or why a new mystery novel is so cool to read. Obviously it could and should be of interest—big or little—for both of us.
Over the years, I have met and seen people who were brilliant at small talk. They all shared one thing—they wanted to create or enhance a positive engagement with the person or persons they were talking to, and motivated to initiate that. For multiple reasons, perhaps. Create a business deal; give them a positive and supportive energy to assist them in their endeavors; open the door for some version of potential romance.
But they all seemed to have some things in common, that didn’t come easily and naturally to me. They mostly valued creating the initial engagement at least a little more than the result.
When I observed them creating positive relationships I probably never would have had, I harbored a bit of jealousy about that skill. I figured if I could improve myself about this, it would be valuable for any number of reasons.
So, having learned the power of personal, positive affirmations, I created one I thought that might help me in this regard: It is easy for me to engage in small talk to enhance my positive relationships.
I’m getting better. Still a ways to go, but nonetheless so far it has proven fruitful over the past few years. And one of the best pieces of advice I’ve ever gotten was using this phrase in my talking with folks: So, tell me more about that. Most people love to do that.
The true spirit of conversation is building on another man's observation, not overturning it. - Edward George Bulwer-Lytton
I think of small talk as a way to find common ground, a gentle way to figure out how to go deeper with a person. And everything a person says reveals something about who they are. It can also be quite entertaining. Once I asked a person I'd just met what was the first thing he did when he got home each day. He thought a minute and told me about the elaborate dance he did each day to reach his mailbox due to puddles that kept forming near it, a dance he recreated for me in the moment. This broke the ice and we had a great time talking about life. Just being in the moment with another human with no agenda can be quite powerful and enriching.
Simple, it's because you always held the frame of "bigger fish to fry"...